Last update: January 12, 2021
Its been years since it first dawned on me that the depth of my self-neglect was, well, really deep.
Reaching this realization was a downward spiral, and sometimes, the drop was too much to take. The good thing for anyone going through this is that the fall may be brutal, leaving you sore all over, but it’s survivable.
As I tried to understand why things happened the way they did, I stumbled upon the term boundaries and countless videos, blogs, and articles.
And I got hold of books by Melody Beattie, Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency.
Later on, I found Cloud and Townsend’s book, Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, to Take Control of Your Life. And for a time this book became my constant companion.
These books are still with me, and every once in a while, when I felt like I was forgetting what I have learned, I would pull these out and read a page or two.
I also came across a video by Lisa Romano and Ross Rosenberg. Ross had coined the term self-love deficit disorder. I found the term perfect for what the condition was. Adults who grew up in difficult environments at times do not learn how to take care of themselves, what is their responsibility and what isn’t, how to love and accept themselves and their emotions fully.
Moreover, the term helps us focus on the core of our healing, which, at least for me, was truly learning about healthy self-love. I had to learn that it was necessary, not selfish, to do so, and that this is actually my responsibility and not somebody else’s.
It sounds simple. But anyone who had been, or is in, this journey knows it’s difficult.
It’s not easy to unlearn patterns of thinking and behavior that you developed as a child to protect yourself and survive. These things have been ingrained in your psyche. It was like realizing you had blinders on all your life, and decades after you are only starting to realize and grieve the losses and see through the lies.
There was no way of escaping grief. But I can honestly tell you that once something has been properly grieved and finally accepted, you’d feel so much lighter.
If this journey resonates with you, I hope you can find time to sit with your emotions, learn more about what you’re going through, and find people who can help you heal.
People who genuinely want to see you grow, thrive, and become your own person. People who are emotionally healthy themselves that when they see you’re still learning to set boundaries, they WON’T take advantage of it. Instead, they will help you experience how good it feels to have relationships where your boundaries are actually respected and your needs matter.
Equally important, I hope you heal enough to do the same for yourself–to respect your own boundaries. Then extend the same level of respect and kindness to others.
Books, Websites, Blogs, and YouTube Channels on Self-Love and Boundaries
There is a wealth of information online, but there are a few I keep revisiting whenever I need a reminder.
- Materials by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, including their book Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, to Take Control of Your Life.
- Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D.
- Melody Beattie’s blog and books such as Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency
- Videos by and interviews with Ross Rosenberg (such as Codependency Recovery Stages and You Can’t See Problems in Others if You Can’t See the Problem in Yourself)
- Videos by Lisa Romano
- Books by Charles L. Whitfield such as Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self
- Videos by Stephanie Lyn: See her YouTube playlists Feed your mind – Learn how to Love Yourself! and Codependency Recovery
- Talks and interviews of Brene Brown (author of Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, and The Power of Vulnerability) such as Brene Brown: Braving the wilderness & how we can belong to each other & ourselves
- Materials by Nathaniel Branden: Over the years, I kept hearing about his work from coaches and speakers. His books are still on my wishlist. If you want to learn more about his work, check out his website. Below are just a few quotes of his that I love.
“If my aim is to prove I am ‘enough,’ the project goes on to infinity—because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable.” ― Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
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“Some people stand and move as if they have no right to the space they occupy. They wonder why others often fail to treat them with respect–not realizing that they have signalled others that it is not necessary to treat them with respect.” ― Nathaniel Branden, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
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“It’s impossible to have too much self-esteem. People who are arrogant or boastful actually show a lack of self-esteem. Those who are truly comfortable with themselves and their achievements take pleasure in being who they are – they don’t need to tell the world about it.” – Nathaniel Branden
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“I am responsible for my personal happiness. One of the characteristics of immaturity is the belief that it is someone else’s job to make me happy—much as it was once my parents’ job to keep me alive. If only someone would love me, then I would love myself. If only someone would take care of me, then I would be contented. If only someone would spare me the necessity of making decisions, then I would be carefree. If only someone would make me happy. Here’s a simple but powerful stem to wake one up to reality: If I take full responsibility for my personal happiness—. Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back in my own hands. Ahead of taking this responsibility, I may imagine it will be a burden. What I discover is that it sets me free.” ― Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
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May we find more beauty along our healing journey. And may we always receive the strength to push forward even if it seems like the cards are stacked against us. Many have healed–and so can we.
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